NAKED QUOTES by DT-Besotted

Johnny: Have you ever thought, I mean, you don't know, but you might already have had the happiest moment in your whole fuckin' life and all you've go to look forward to is sickness and purgatory?
Sophie: Shit. I just live from day to day myself.
Johnny: I tend to skip a day now and again, you know what I mean. I used to be a werewolf, but I'm all right noowwww!!!!

Sophie: Fuckin' ell, I bet they're happy, eh? All they gotta do is sit 'round howlin' at the moon.
Johnny: Well it's better than standing on the cheesy fuckin' thing. I mean, tossing all these satellites and shuttles out into the cosmos. What do they think they're gonna find up there that they can't find down here? They think if they piss high enough they're gonna come across the monkey with the beard and the crap ideas, and it's like 'Oh! There you are Captain, are you busy? 'Cause I've got a few fundamental questions for you.' You with me?
Sophie: Yeah. 'Cause let's face it right, what are rockets? They're just big metal pricks. The bastards aren't satisfied with fucking the earth up.They gotta fuck space an' all.
Johnny: Tell me something, luv. Are you aware of the effect you have on the average mammalian Mancunian X-Y-ly- chromosome slavering lusty male member?...of the species?
Sophie: Uh...yeah.
Johnny: I thought so.

Louise: What are you doin' 'ere? You look like shit.
Johnny: Just trying to blend in with the surroundings.

Johnny: [to the tune of Hallelujah] Haaaa...litosis! Halitosis, Halitosis!

Louise: Why didn't you tell me you were comin'? I woulda met you off the train.
Johnny: I didn't come on the fuckin' train."
Louise: "Off the bus then.
Johnny: I didn't come on the bus either.
Louise: So how did you get here then?
Johnny: Well, basically, there was this little dot, right? And the dot went bang and the bang expanded. Energy formed into matter, matter cooled, matter lived, the amoeba to fish, the fish to fowl, the fowl to frog, the frog to mammal, the mammal to monkey, the monkey to man, amo amas amat, quid pro quo, memento mori*, ad infinitum, sprinkle on a little bit of grated cheese and leave under the grill til Doomsday.

Louise: Why have you come?
Johnny: [glancing down at his crotch] How can you tell from there?

Johnny: How’s your mum?
Louise: Fine, how’s yours? Still pulling pints?
Johnny: She’s dead. She’s still a good fuck, though. I mean the rates are a bit extortionate but I do get a discount what with being the son an' everything.

Sophie: Apparently right. You shouldn’t stick anything up your cunt you can’t put in your mouth.

Johnny: Give us that mug.

Johnny: I've seen more life in an open grave.

Johnny: Oh, it’s de-lovely.** I see you’ve got a ceiling at the top with a floor on the lower level, and a wall at either side. And only a single bed. Sad, really.

Johnny: I think I've ruptured me chakras***....
Johnny: [untying Sophie's corset] Is there an instruction manual for this garb?
Sophie: No. It’s an intelligence test.
Johnny: Well what is this, a granny, a sheepshank, or the infamous round turn and two half-hitches as mentioned in the Book of Ezekiel?
Sophie: Are you finished?
Johnny: Hardly fucking begun. It’s just that I think I’m gonna get into difficulties when I reach the hippie shit up here, y'know what I mean?
Sophie: Yeah well, you’ve tried the stairs, let’s take the escalator. Simple really. [turns corset around to the side with the zipper]

Johnny: Thanks for the mammaries.

Johnny: Would you stop fuckin' about and fidgeting in my peripherals, I’m trying to concentrate!

Louise: I fell asleep with the window open, I was cold, I came down, I had to pee, I’ve made some tea, I’m here, all right?
Johnny: What’s that, "The Greatest Story Ever Told"?****

Johnny: I’m reading about the butterfly effect.
Louise: What’s the butterfly effect?
Johnny: Every time a butterfly flaps its wings in Tokyo this old granny in Salford gets a bilious attack.
Louise: What happens if a butterfly flaps its wings in Salford?
Johnny: That’s not the point.

Louise: So what happened, were you bored in Manchester?
Johnny: Was I bored? No I wasn't fuckin' bored. I'm never bored. That's the trouble with everybody- you're all so bored. You've had nature explained to you and you're bored with it, you've had the living body explained to you and you're bored with it, you've had the universe explained to you and you're bored with it. So now you just want cheap thrills and like plenty of them and it don't matter how tawdry or vacuous they are. As long as it's new, as long as it's new, as long as it flashes and fuckin' bleeps in forty fuckin' different colors. So whatever else you can say about me, I'm not fuckin' bored.
Louise: Yeah, all right.
Johnny: So how’s it all going for you?
Louise: It’s a bit boring, actually.
Johnny: You're not enjoying yourself?
Louise: No.
Johnny: You made many friends?
Louise: No.
Johnny: Have you got, uh, a goblet or something, because me heart’s bleedin'.

Louise: Why are you such a bastard, Johnny?
Johnny: Monkey see, monkey do.

Johnny: [hacking cough] This fuckin' cough.
Louise: A butterfly must’ve flapped its wings.

Johnny: Y' know what frightens me about the human body?

Sophie: What?

Johnny: It's like the most sophisticated mechanism in the entire universe and yet it's so fuckin' quiet, know what I mean?
Sophie: Dunno. Mine makes enough noise.
Johnny: It's like this wet, pink factory. What the fuck they makin' in there, I mean what's the product? You never see any delivery trucks comin' or goin, do ya?.

Johnny: I could've been a doctor.

Sophie: Do you wanna examine me?

Johnny: You don't believe me, do you?

Sophie: I believe everything you say.
Johnny: I've got A-level psychology.
Sophie: You 'aven't.
Johnny: Resolve is never stronger than in the morning after the night it was never weaker. Whaddya think of that?
Sophie: It's a lot of bollocks.
Johnny: I thought of that. Do you not agree with it?
Sophie: Dunno.
Johnny: Well that's 'cause you weren't fuckin' listening, were ya?

Johnny (to Sophie): You don't know me.

Johnny (to Archie): Why are you here in London, oh Bodhidharma*****?

Johnny: You've got a lovely way about you. Has anyone ever told you that?... You dream in Scotch?

Johnny: I sent off for one of those linguistic packages, ‘Talk Shite in a Fortnight’. It’s all going very well. I haven’t quite got the hang of the transitive verbs yet.

Archie: Maggie! [head tic]
Johnny: What’s all that about? [imitates the tic]
Archie: Eh?!
Johnny: That. [head tic] The ‘ol highland fling, there. D’you know you’re doing that?
Archie: Eh?!
Johnny: That, you know, 'and now for my next tic'.
Archie: Tchk. [head tic]
Johnny: Lookit, it just happened again! I’m not imagining it.
Archie: Fuck off.
Johnny: You do that in the sack? The ol' tic, spit, eh, Maggie! You must be a great fuckin' shag.
Archie: You takin’ a piss?!
Johnny: What’s it like being you?
Archie: Whuh?!
Johnny: Bit hectic?
Archie: Fuck off, poof!

Johnny: You believe in self-fulfilling prophesy?

Archie: Eh?!

Johnny: You know, like Nostradamus? There was like this 16th-century astrologer, and he wrote in one of his quatrains that this goon called Hister would invade Poland, so Hitler reads it and thinks 'Hister, Hitler, must mean me' and he invades Poland. So when the guy prophesied that the world would end in 1999, which he did, does that therefore mean that we're fulfilling the prophecy by precipitating the apocalypse? You with me?
Archie: Huh?
Johnny: Do you think the world will end in 1999?
Archie: Tchk.

Johnny (to Maggie): Are you looking for the petulant dwarf?

Johnny: Oh, come now, there's no need to knock the young lad. He's a wonderful exponent of the old Socratic debate.

Johnny: Can you feel all those vibrations?
Maggie: No.
Johnny: Just stand still a minute, luv. Try and feel it through your feet. Do you not get, like, all those tremblings and mumblings coming up through your bones?
Maggie: Not really, no.
Johnny: Do you not get a sense of like, a whole other world underneath all this? You know like the guts of London, what with all the tube trains and everything, the city’s viscera and the subterranean fuckin’ fistulas and conduits and colons and bunkers and dungeons and tombs and all that?
Maggie: What, like Hell? In the sewers, like?
Johnny: Do you know that wherever you are in London, right, you’re only 30 feet away from a rat.

Johnny: Do you believe in Hell? Do you believe in the Devil?
Maggie: Aye.
Johnny: What do you think he looks like?
Maggie: [holds up Troll doll] Looks like that, doesn’t he?
Johnny: What, a little nudist homunculus with a pink quiff ?"

Maggie: Have you ever seen a dead body?
Johnny: Only me own.

Johnny: How old do you think I am?
Maggie: 'bout 40.
Johnny: I'm 27.

Johnny: ...And thou shalt stone him with stones, and he'll die because he has sought to thrust me away from the Lord thy God and the... fuckin’ hell, why hast thou forsaken me? Bastard.

Johnny (to Brian, the security guard): Is that it now then? Are you through with the regulation pacing? All set to deploy the fatuous sarcasm? Well, I’ve beaten you to it.

Brian: Would you like a mint?
Johnny: What’s this new policy? Ply the culprit with menthol?

Brian: Waste not, want not.
Johnny: An' other cliches.
Brian: But a cliche is full of truth, otherwise it wouldn’t be a cliche.
Johnny: Which is in itself a cliche.

Brian: Have you got nowhere to go, then?
Johnny: I’ve got an infinite number of fuckin' places to go, the problem is where you stay.

Johnny: And what is it what goes on in this particular postmodernist gas chamber?
Brian: Nothing. It's empty.
Johnny: So what is it you're guardin', then?
Brian: Space.
Johnny: You're guardin' space? That's stupid, isn't it? Because someone could break in there, eh, and steal all the fuckin' space and you wouldn't know it's gone, would you?
Brian: Good point.

Johnny: Funny being inside, isn’t it. Cause when you are inside, you’re still actually outside, aren’t you? And then you can say when you’re outside, you’re inside, because you’re always inside your head. You follow that?

Johnny (on women): They're not worth it, are they?

Brian: Whores and harlots.

Brian: ...That’s my job.
Johnny: Well, could they not train a tall chimpanzee to do that? Or, a small chimpanzee with a bigger gizmo?
Brian: I suppose they could.
Johnny: Well Brian, you’ve succeeded in convincing me you have the most tedious fuckin' job in England.

Johnny: So you think you can make the present palatable by projecting into the future? You’re living in the past, pal. It’s the future that fucks you up, Brian, it’s the maggot in the apple. See, you’re all pissed off with the present, right? And there’s nothing wrong with the present. The present’s fine, the present’s perfect, the present’s peachy fuckin' creamy. The only thing wrong with the present is the bastard doesn’t exist, because the present is the future and the future is the past, and it’s all the same fuckin' bag of bones anyway. It’s a constant process of coming into being and passing away, coming into being and passing away. The future is now.
Brian: But the present does exist. We’re in it now.
Johnny: You were just then when you said it, but you’re not in it now. You’re not in it now. You’re not in it now. You’re forever being kicked up the ass by the future. You with me?

Johnny: Has nobody not told you, Brian, that you’ve got this kind of gleeful preoccupation with the future? I wouldn’t even mind, but you don’t even have a fuckin' future, I don’t have a future. Nobody has a future. The party's over. Take a look around you man, it’s all breaking up. Are you not familiar with the book of Revelations of St. John, the final book of the Bible prophesying the apocalypse?... He forced everyone to receive a mark on his right hand or on his forehead so that no one shall be able to buy or sell unless he has the mark, which is the name of the beast, or the number of his name, and the number of the beast is 6-6-6. ...What can such a specific prophecy mean? What is the mark? Well the mark, Brian, is the barcode, the ubiquitous barcode that you’ll find on every bog roll and packet of johnnies and every poxy pork pie, and every fuckin' barcode is divided into two parts by three markers, and those three markers are always represented by the number 6. 6-6-6. Now what does it say? No one shall be able to buy or sell without that mark. And now what they’re planning to do in order to eradicate all credit card fraud and in order to precipitate a totally cashless society, what they’re planning to do, what they’ve already tested on the American troops, they’re going to subcutaneously laser tattoo that mark onto your right hand, or onto your forehead. They’re going to replace plastic with flesh. Fact. In the same book of Revelations when the seven seals are broken open on the day of judgment and the seven angels blow the trumpets, when the third angel blows her bugle, wormwood will fall from the sky, wormwood will poison a third part of all the waters and a third part of all the land and many many many people will die. Now do you know what the Russian translation for wormwood is? ....Chernobyl. Fact. On August the 18th, 1999, the planets of our solar system are gonna line up into the shape of a cross... They’re gonna line up in the signs of Aquarius, Leo, Taurus, and Scorpio, which just happen to correspond to the four beasts of the apocalypse, as mentioned in the book of Daniel, another fuckin' fact! Do you want me to go on? The end of the world is nigh, Brian, the game is up.
Brian: I don’t believe that. Life can’t just come to a stop.
Johnny: All right, I’m not saying that life will end or the world will end, or the universe will cease to exist. But man will cease to exist. Just like the dinosaurs passed into extinction, the same thing will happen to us. We’re not fuckin' important! We’re just a crap idea!
Brian: I’m not going to cease to exist. I’m gonna be here in the future.
Johnny: What is this fuckin' fixation with the future?! Listen pal, I’ve got chronic systolic palpitations and acute fuckin' neuralgia!

Brian: Let me ask you a question.
Johnny: What?
Brian: Have you ever had the sense that you’ve lived in a time different from this one?
Johnny: What you mean like in a past life?
Brian: Could be, yeah.
Johnny: Yeah well in my past life I was dead.
Brian: But you see I wasn’t. I know I was here in the past before I was born, so I know I’m going to be here in the future after I‘ve died.
Johnny: I see. And in this alternative existence did you still have the same noxious body odor?
Brian: No need to be personal. It’s what I believe.
Johnny: Shall I tell you what I believe?
Brian: You don’t believe in anything.

Johnny: Do you think the amoeba ever dreamed that it would evolve into the frog? Of course it didn’t. And when that first frog shimmied out of the water and employed its vocal chords in order to attract a mate or to retard a predator, do you think that that frog ever imagined that that incipient croak would evolve into all the languages of the world, into all the literature of the world? Of course it fuckin' didn’t. And just as that froggy could never have possibly conceived of Shakespeare, so we can never possibly imagine our destiny.
Brian: I know what my destiny is.
Johnny: Yeah but what you’re experiencing, as far as I can gather, with all these manifestations of regression and precognition and transmigratory astral fuckin' chatterings is just the equivalent of that first primeval grunt. Because evolution isn’t over. Man isn’t the be-all and fuckin' end all. Look, if you take the whole of time represented by one year, we’re only in the first few moments of the first of January. There’s a long way to go. Only now we’re not going to sprout extra limbs and wings and fins because evolution itself is evolving. And whereas you, through some process of extrasensory recall, might imagine that you were some, I don’t know, some 17th-century little Dutch girl living in a windmill in old Amsterdam, one day you’ll realize that you’ve had not just one or two past or future existences, but that you were and are everybody and everything that has ever been or will ever be.
Brian: Hang on a minute, you’ve just contradicted yourself.
Johnny: Oh, how’d you make that out?
Brian: Downstairs you were predicting the end of the world, now you’re talking about the future. How do you explain that, eh?
Johnny: Easy. When it comes, the apocalypse itself will be part of the process of that leap of evolution.
Brian: Well. Whatever happens, mankind will not cease to exist.
Johnny: He must. By the very definition of apocalypse, mankind must cease to exist, at least in a material form.
Brian: What do you mean in a material form?
Johnny: Well he’ll evolve.
Brian: What into?
Johnny: Into something that transcends matter. Into a species of pure thought. Are you with me?
Brian: Yeah...like a ghost!
Johnny: No, not like a fuckin' ghost you big girl’s blouse, into something that’s like well beyond our comprehension. Into a universal consciousness. Into God, who is by the same principle that time is.
Brian: You don’t believe in God.
Johnny: Of course I believe in God. You see, the thing is Brian, that God is a hateful God. Must be. Because if God is good, then why is there evil in the world? Why is there pain and hate and greed and war? It doesn’t make sense. But if God is a nasty bastard then you can say: why is there good in the world? Why is there love and hope and joy? Well let’s face it, good exists in order to be fucked up by evil. The very existence of good enables evil to flourish, therefore, God is bad. And it doesn’t matter how many past or future existences you have because they’re all going to be riddled with grief and anguish and sickness and death. You see Brian, God doesn’t love you. God despises you. So there’s no hope. Mankind is just a component of the device by which the Devil creates itself. You with me? You see what I’m saying basically is, you can’t make an omelet without cracking a few eggs, and humanity is just a cracked egg. And the omelet ....stinks.

Brian: Yeah.

Johnny [to woman in the window] I know it’s a big cheeky but, erm, I’m a cheeky young monkey!

Johnny: This what you're readin'? Jane Austen by Emma?... Don't read much myself.

Johnny: I can’t, luv. You look like me mother.

Johnny: You think you can recapture your youth by fuckin' it? You don’t want to fuck me, you’ll catch something cruel.

Brian: What are you doing here?
Johnny: Well you see, I was over there like this [moves over a step], but that didn’t really work for me, so I thought I’d try over here [moves back] but I don’t think there’s much future in this one either.

Brian: Don't waste your life.

Jeremy (to Sophie): Was your tattoo painful?
Sophie: Yeah.
Jeremy: Good.

Johnny (to cafe girl): You're not gonna creep up on me with a big knife dressed up as your mother are you?

Girl: No.

Johnny: Well, it looks like you already are dressed up as your mother.

Johnny: [looking at figurine on mantelpiece] Oh look at this one -- touchin' time with a barge pole. I wouldn't.

Johnny: I don't mean that to sound homophobic. I mean, I like the Iliad and the Odyssey. You get that?

Girl: No.

Johnny: Funny, just the silence usually freaks me out...

Johnny: What about you? Would you like to be buried? Or cremated?
Girl: Couldn't give a shit.

Johnny: It's like a fuckin' Eskimo's grave out there!

Johnny: Just goes to show you, no matter how many books you read, there's some things in this world that you never ever, ever, ever, ever fuckin' understand.

Johnny: I hope that when you're tucked up tonight all snug and warm underneath your tear-sodden fuckin' duvet in your ankle-length Emily Bronte windin' sheet that you spare a thought for me with me head in a puddle of cold dog's piss, and I hope that you dream about me, an' I hope that you wake up screamin'. An' I hope that all your fuckin' children are born blind, bow-legged, hair lipped, homeless, hunchbacks!

Sophie: What is a proper relationship?
Louise: Living with someone who talks to you after they've bonked ya.

Sophie: I don't know what they want from you half the time. What they start off likin' you for they end up hatin' you for. Don't like you if you're strong, don't like you if you're weak, hate you if you're clever, hate you if you're stupid. They don't know what they want.

Johnny (to bill poster): You've gotta slap on copious quantities of the ol' industrial sputum there.

Johnny: I like Laurel & Hardy, y'know, although apparently they didn't get on in real life. Y'know, another illusion shattered.

Johnny: Sorry about that pal, it's just I've had a lot of bad experiences with walls, what with talkin' to them and climbing them, and me Dad's driven me up a good few of them in his time, you know what I mean? But I think I've got the secret, this saucy little secret, this solipsistic, sagacious little secret, it’s just you’ve just gotta bang your fuckin' head against them, just crack the ol' head. You with me? You get it? And that's it, that's the key to enlightenment... which is why it's such a potent motif of civilization. It's like the Great Wall of China, the wall of Jericho, the Berlin Wall and the Wailing Wall and the Jews... the rockin'...

Johnny: In the beginning there was a word, and the word was ‘canceled’. You get any satisfaction out of this? You think you're makin' a contribution? Sort of promulgating vacuities.

Johnny: That’s it, just blank it all out, blank it all out until you atrophy and die of fuckin' indifference. Can I show you something, pal? See that, the top of your legs, that’s your ass right, and that’s your fuckin' elbow. Do you want to write it down or -- [yells as poster man kicks him]

Johnny: Does anyone mind if I scream here?

(Louise and Johnny singing): Take me back to Manchester when it's raining, I want to wet my feet in Albert Square. I’m all agog for a good thick fog, I don’t like the sun, I like it raining cats and dogs. I want to smell the odors of the Irwell, I want to feel the soot get in me hair. Oh I don’t want to roam, I want to get back home to rainy Manchester.
Johnny: I’ve got a hard-on.

Louise (to Jeremy): Maggot dick.

Sandra: It really bothers me the way you girls choose to live your lives.

Sophie: Where've you been, Johnny?

Johnny: Down the Via Dolorosa, don't be nosy.******

Johnny: I lost me bag.
Louise: Yeah, I noticed. Where is it?
Johnny: I don’t know, it’s lost.
Louise: Any valuables?"
Johnny: Yeah it’s got me collection of famous retired glove puppets in there, that’s it. All gone.

Johnny: What is this, a spectator sport or something? The 100-meter vomit?

Louise: Who’s been playing ping-pong with your face?
Johnny: Sky fell in on me. A cloud caught me across the cheek.

Johnny: I’m putting the fun back in fundament.

Johnny: I'm full of shit, aren't I?

Louise: Sometimes.

Johnny: Well, it's all right... got it all kicked out of me now.....What if God just put us here for his own entertainment, and that’s all we are, just something for him to have a laugh at?

Louise: Will ya give me a cuddle, Johnny?

Johnny: Can you leave us a few fags for cancer research?

Johnny (to Sandra): [looks at painting] Sophie just turned that to the wall. She's got this kind of irritatin' proclivity for negation. I suppose she thinks it's progressive, or somethin'.

Johnny: Is it true that some babies are born covered in fur? And you know at birth when you cut the umbilical cord, what would happen if it was never cut?... Well it would be embarrassing, wouldn’t it? 'Specially at my age.

Johnny: Well, look, I’ve never met a nurse before and I’m just interested in ah, well in life. I mean do you think it’s worth savin'?
Sandra: Of course I do. But there is a time and a place, and actually this isn’t the time or --
Johnny: -- the place?
Sandra: No. And this is where I --
Johnny: -- live?
Sandra: Yes! And I’m not feeling very --
Johnny: -- sexy.
Sandra: Comfortable, actually. I’m not feeling very comfortable.
Johnny: Well make yourself comfortable, luv, or slip into something more -- [mouths the word "comfortable"]
Sandra: My bath, ...hot toast, hot milk, hot water bottle, bed, sleep...
Johnny: Do you like me?
Sandra: I don’t know you, so --
Johnny: Do you find me attractive? Well listen luv, it’s like this, I find you attractive. Very attractive.
Sandra: Enough. I’ve had enough. It comes at me from all angles, you, all of you, just... it's the tin lid! When, how, will the world ever --
Johnny: -- end?
Sandra: Yes!

Notes:
*A memento mori is a form of image that urged a European person of the late Middle Ages to "remember thy death." To do this, a memento mori might represent death as a human skeleton--perhaps as the Grim Reaper gathering his harvest--or it might depict human bodies in an advanced state of decay. Its purpose is to remind the viewer that death is an unavoidable part of life, something to be prepared for at all times. Source:
http://cmp1.ucr.edu/terminals/memento_mori/
** Title of a Cole Porter tune.
*** Energy centers in the body which are best cleansed, opened, and balanced. Too much or too little energy in one chakra can be the cause for disruption in magick or frustrations in everyday life. [For more information see http://www.spiritonline.com/meditation/]
**** The story of Jesus's crucifixion.
***** Founder of the Zen school of Buddhism: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bodhidharma
****** Way of the Cross on the Via Dolorosa in Jerusalem.